For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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