Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
it's like heaven, but drunker
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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