i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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