I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
