My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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