Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
