yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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