If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just want nice things and good sex
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
