I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
