saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
