You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
