its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
