I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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