Define "chronic" masturbator.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
