i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
