upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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