dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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