I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
