If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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