see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
third nipple confirmed
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
