She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
