you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
