She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
