the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
