Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
