Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Oh god it's open bar.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
