Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
