his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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