so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
