trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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