At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize