the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
