An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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