yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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