Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
