So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
