The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize