A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
