; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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