The maid of honor just puked.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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