He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
