what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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