I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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