my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
