I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
