well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize