4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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