careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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