I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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