just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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