Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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