Swine flu. Run for my life!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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