The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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