I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I supernannyed him into submission
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