Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My bed smells like the plague
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
