Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
