we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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