i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
