I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
