i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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