If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
