You smell like a Billy Joel song
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
