My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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