woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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