All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
