bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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